One of the key components in practicing mindfulness is non-judgmental observance, or learning to pay attention to your thoughts as they arise. As my psychologist put it, my homework for this week is to approach noticing my thoughts with an attitude of open curiosity. Oh, isn't that interesting! And then letting them go. The mind, after all, is a fascinating place if you just pay a little attention to it. We're so used to thinking thoughts all the time that they become a kind of static we don't hear any more.
But they're there, influencing us. And if we don't know what they are, how can we begin to unravel the complex ways that our mind behaves during periods of depression to reinforce our mood, to dig us deeper into it, to make us think that the things we're saying about ourselves to ourselves are so automatic that they must be true?
I saw my therapist on Tuesday, so it's only been a few days, but already I've noticed a disturbing pattern in the way I talk to myself. I call myself an idiot an awful lot of the time. Like, a lot. I insult myself, say I should have known better. I am very sarcastic: when I do something wrong, like pushing the elevator button for the wrong floor, I say 'good job' in an obviously demeaning way.
These are things I'd never say to anyone else, certainly not in this way. These are things that are unacceptable. If I was my own wife, I would call myself verbally abusive and tell us to get into couples' counselling right away!!
The hardest part of the assignment is not to judge myself -- or the thoughts! I can't help but feel disappointed in myself when I notice the way I self-talk. I can't help but feel like an idiot for calling myself an idiot. So I notice these patterns, too, this tendency to spiral off into a cycle of self-abuse that leaves me feeling worse and worse.
And then I put it aside.
If I saw a beautiful flower, I wouldn't say to myself, 'You are a wonderful person for noticing it there, its soft petals and its delicate fragrance.' I didn't put the flower there on purpose, or create it, and it isn't mine, though I did choose to notice it. It was fascinating. If I saw a hideous flower, I wouldn't say to myself, 'You are a terrible person for noticing it, its ugly color and sickly scent.' I didn't put the flower there on purpose, or create it, and it isn't mine, though I did choose to notice it. It was fascinating. These things tell me that I am the kind of person who chooses to notice things, as they are, and tries to let them be an experience without judging it, as best as I am able.
It's fascinating to choose to pay attention to your own thoughts. I knew I hated myself. I was aware that I didn't like myself, that I don't think well of myself, and that this would be surfacing in my thoughts. But I had no idea the extent to which I was doing it. I am going through my days surrounded by this great cloud of words. It's...fascinating! I was like, wow, I had no idea it was like this inside my head all the time!
I don't know what to do with all of this yet. But it's interesting. After 31 years, I keep being surprised by my own brain: how cool is that?!
Really interesting. I think most of us could stand to learn something through an assignment like this.
ReplyDeleteIt also makes me think of a different (but related) assignment I came across once in a self-therapy book. The idea that our thoughts can lead to our emotions (and ultimately, our emotions to actions), and how crucial a role our thinking can really play.
Although you mainly noticed the negative self-talk (it can be the easiest sometimes), you also noticed something positive about how you view things.
I wonder, is there a particular quality you possess that you are proud of or like? A part of yourself you would be fierce to defend should its presence ever be called into question?